Sunday, February 26, 2012

A Fear (that shouldn't be)

I think that one of the reasons my husband married me is because he thinks of me as fearless.

I will admit that it is hard for me to think of something I fear (I mean, besides hating spiders). Up until a few years ago, I couldn't think of anything. {This is an open-ended blog post with no pat answer, sorry. I'm just confessing a struggle of mine.}

The biggest fear -- the fear of death -- holds no sway on me. In fact, there is nothing I welcome more. I long to die, perhaps too much, because I cannot wait to be with my Love. To laugh with Him, to dance with Him, to hold hands, to play together, to explore together, to be rid of my fallen self, to see, to know, to be full, to be... Anyway, bottom line here: fear of death has no place in this heart!

But, there is one thing I have discovered. Torture. The kind that does not end in death. Just embrace pain with no end in sight and the promise of getting to die remains elusive. Burning to death seems unbearable, but I feel like if I knew that I would only have to persevere for twenty minutes before I could die, then I might be able to handle it (by God's great grace, of course!). But I do not think that I could endure torture without having the hope that I get to embrace death (embrace Jesus) in a few minutes. I hear and read all sorts of remarks pertaining to torture without death, such as how the spirit and body seem to separate and how much Jesus' Spirit intervenes and helps the person. And, I remind myself of that comfort when I think of torture. But, still, I get nervous and my palms sweat.

I am certain that this why I admire the Persecuted Church. They are tortured and remain faithful to Jesus.
Perfect love drives out fear... ~ 1 John 4:18
Yes, LORD, perfect me in love. Drive out this silly fear. Help me to be able rely on the fact that You will not desert me in such a time of need for I can be confident that Your Spirit will help me to endure and stay strong. Thank You, Jesus!