A bunch of random thoughts I had about suffering during our two months of torture, July and August:
- I was reading in Mark 10 one day about when the sons of Zebedee ask if they can sit beside Jesus in Heaven. And Jesus responded, "You don’t know what you are asking... Can you drink the cup I drink or be baptized with the baptism I am baptized with?" (verse 38, NIV). But the NLT version calls it the “baptism of suffering”! And I wondered if this was the third baptism, after the baptism of water and the baptism of the Spirit/fire comes the baptism of suffering... And I couldn’t help but wonder then if this was what I was going through — the baptism of suffering, just like my Lord...
- I heard a sermon several months ago about the spice myrrh and how when it’s crushed and turned into oil, it gives off a sweet aroma. When it’s crushed, a sweet aroma is released. And I definitely felt like when I was being crushed, a bitter aroma came out. Yet, how I longed for the sweet aroma of Christ (2 Corinthians 2:14-16) to come out when crushed by suffering! I was sharing this with a friend, and she reminded me that Christ suffered perfectly on our behalf because He knew that we would suffer imperfectly. This got me thinking... I am still the pleasing aroma of Christ even in my imperfect suffering as long as I am pointing to Christ’s perfection and sufficiency, which is more than enough to cover my weakness and imperfections and insufficiency to suffer well.
- During this time someone asked me how I was making it through the pain, and I offhandedly thought of six things that I would automatically do throughout the night to help me endure —
- Remembering 2 Corinthians 12:10 — delighting in this struggle because His strength is best displayed when I am weak.
- I watched the movie “The Shack” during this time, and the Jesus character said, "If you focus on the pain, you’ll lose sight of Me.” So true! This is one of the great truths Jesus taught when He calls Peter out of the boat and to come to Him on the water (Matthew 14:22-33). When Peter took his focus off of Jesus and saw the scary storm around him, he started to sink, of course. If you focus on your circumstance, you lose sight of Jesus and go under!
- I have a cross on the wall beside my bed that was my constant, physical reminder to look up — don’t look in or around but look to Him for help, deliverance and salvation (Psalm 27:9, 40:17; Isaiah 45:22)! Envisioning Christ on the cross bearing unimaginable pain, helped me to feel united with Him in mine (Romans 8:17,23). Remembering His great suffering, reminded me that He was holding me in mine.
- Worship songs was absolutely vital! I had four songs that I played repeatedly and constantly throughout every night! Psalm 34 by Shane and Shane, Psalm 46 by Shane and Shane, Come As You Are by Crowder, I Am by Crowder
- Over the summer we received several words and visions from the Lord. There was one from a friend that I really held onto in the I'm-about-to-freak-out-and-scream-bloody-murder moments. She said that there would be times of intense pain ahead when I might feel alone or forgotten by God, but the opposite was true! He had not turned His eye away from me; His eye was so on me! I was always before Him. Knowing He was watching me and listening to me during the pain, helped me cry out to Him (Psalm 40:11-13 was my constant plea).
- Also, repeating the popular quote to myself: “The presence of pain doesn't mean the absence of God.”
- Finally, that final week of terrible RLS before resorting to the dopamine agonist prescription, the Spirit brought 1 Corinthians 10:13 to mind -- No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. And I would ask the Lord how long can I endure this? How much can I bear? I would desperately pray nonstop and beg for the Lord to show me the way out!! And a week later He did.
