Feeling Bad About The Can'ts

I know I talk about putting on an Attitude of Gratitude almost every week, but seriously, it is a major coping mechanism for me.

Because there are days when I cannot help but feel bad about all the things that I cannot do being confined to my wheelchair. Despondency is grabbing at my heels.

I want to lift her out of the crib, hold her on my hip, lift her over my head, flip her upside down, bounce her, put her on my shoulders, let her crawl, chase her, play on the floor together, nap on the bed together, go to a park, go for a walk, go anywhere, swing her around, cook with her, rock her, wear her while I clean, give her a bath, trim her nails, get her dressed, okay so I need to stop now... Basically, I have never wanted to be able-bodied so much until my baby came along.

So, there is a lot that I cannot do. But...

What about the things I can do? That is the land where I want to dwell. Instead of looking at the can'ts, focusing on the cans. Let thanksgiving pour forth from my heart and my mouth. All day long.
...giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Ephesians 5:20

Health Care, Reformed

Starting this year, Ricky and I did something different. We opted out of health insurance.

Why? We learned that our monthly premiums could be funding someone else's poor choices that we do not want to support, including the morning-after pill and birth control. Also, we strongly believe that the Church (our brothers and sisters, not an organization) should be meeting one another's needs.

I had been praying about this for years. And, finally, I found what we were looking for in Samaritan Ministries, a Christian health care program. They are nonprofit and exist just to share needs and connect the Body. When I got their information packet in the mail and started reading through the materials, I cried the whole time! Galatians 6:2 in action!

Click here for their website, and go to "How It Works" for questions or more information.

PRAISE THE LORD!

Speed-Darling

• Work was cancelled today because of the snowfall!
• Ricky notified his current employer that his last day of work there will be January 28, 2011. He will be working full-time as a freelance court reporter and transcriptionist. We will keep you posted.
• Aolani is now crawling faster than I can roll -- trouble.
• While she loves to stand in her crib, she still cannot pull herself up into that position on her own.
• We think that she might have curly hair. Here is her toothy grin:

• During our family time every night when we cuddle and read on the bed, Aolani attacks me! Our almost 11-month old can be scary. She bites any skin showing, be it cheek, lips, arm, tummy... She rams her fingers up my nose and rips them down to cause nosebleeds. She pulls my hair out. She slaps, smacks, pounces, scratches :( Oh yeah, and then she laughs. [Sigh.]
• I started giving her some of my organic plain yogurt last week, and she actually liked it! We would really like her to start eating some food by her first birthday, in addition to her nursing.
• Aolani is learning when to say uh-oh -- when she accidentally drops something, when she intentionally throws something, and when she dangles something over an edge before she lets go. Obviously, she just uses the uh-oh to get attention.
• Air-drying:

• I plan on taking a sabbatical from the computer next week. No blog, no emails, no Internet -- I will not even be turning the computer on. I am going to focus this time to rest, read, pray, and reevaluate.
• Verse to memorize this week: 1 Corinthians 2:9 ~ However, as it is written: “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” — the things God has prepared for those who love him...

The Right Order Is Important

While I recite my memorized verses to Aolani, I get caught on the very last one. Every time.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. ~ 1 Peter 5:10

I make either one of two mistakes. One, I forget and completely leave out the "after you have suffered a little while," so I quote, "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." Or two, I misplace that same phrase and put it in the beginning, so I say, "After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." The second error just seems to flow naturally out of my mouth, and I always have to catch and correct myself.

So, I got to thinking. Since the wrong way seems more natural, Peter most likely had a definite reason for the order of the phrases in that verse. Surely he had a purpose if it requires more effort to say it like he wrote it.

Let me sum up the phrases, in my own layman terms, into three parts. First, God calls me. Second, I suffer [for a brief period of time comparative to eternity]. Third, He restores me.

The calling.

The suffering.

The restoring.

Okay, back to my two mistakes. I was either: A) skipping the suffering part. Yeah, wouldn't we all like to do that! Ha! B) suffer alone (playing the victim), then bring God in to call and restore me. But...

That is not how it works -- thank Jesus! We do not have to suffer alone. We do not have to suffer to somehow merit His calling.
Instead...

This is what we get: God freely calls us and beckons our hearts to come unto Him. Then, He walks with us, holds our hands, and never leaves us for one second while we endure suffering on this present earth. Finally, He brings complete restoration to us, in all fullness and wholeness. {The restoration having both a present and future fulfillment.}

Intentional? It looks to me like Peter knew what he was doing. With the Spirit.

Lord, Is It I?

“‘One of you will betray me,’ Jesus said. They were shocked. Each of the disciples responded with the question, ‘Lord, is it I?’ (Matthew 26:20-2). Their inquiry reveals three important truths:

(1) The possibility of evil in our hearts. Everyone recognized it. When we hear of the moral collapse of another never say, ‘I couldn’t do that.’ The potential of every sin lies in our own heart. In the white light of God’s Word we’ve all yielded to temptation and responded to the appeal of the devil.

(2) Our ignorance of ourselves. ‘The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?’ (Jeremiah 17:9). And finally…

(3) The wisdom of self-examination. Peter didn’t say, ‘I’ve never been too sure about Thomas; he’s skeptical.’ John didn’t say, ‘You know, I’ve never been too happy about that tax collector Matthew!’ Each person turned the question in on himself.

It wasn’t a morbid introspection. It was just a healthy look and an honest enquiry.

Maybe it’s time for each of us to look up into His face and ask –

‘Lord, is it I?’”

~ Bill Bathman, How’d You Hurt Your Hand?

Resolving to Read the Bible in a Year?

With the New Year approaching and resolutions formulating, I have a little tip for those who want to "read the Bible in a year."

Yeah, how unusual is that goal? I think it ranks #1 as the most common resolution for Christians.

I know it's on my list every. single. year.
While most people give up in the midst of Leviticus (the third book of the Bible), I usually make it until Summer. Then, it hits. I realize that the year is halfway over, and I am NOT halfway through the Bible. I lose hope of finishing the entire Word that year and switch to an alternate plan -- read what I want at my own pace. Until the next year. Repeat.
So, I've read the Pentateuch and Gospels probably ten times and the other books half that many times.
But, a light bulb went off recently.
If you read just ONE chapter of the Bible a day, you can finish it in about five years. How many times has a 60-year old read the whole Bible? Twice... Once... None? But, if they had followed the one-chapter-a-day plan since they were 20-years-old -- EIGHT times!
If you want to read the entire Bible:
While people may want to set unrealistic, high and lofty goals, i.e. read the Bible in a year, instead chose the snail's pace. Read one chapter a day. In five years, others will still be wandering in the desert, but you will have done it.

Fahrvergnügen

• We pray that everyone had a blessed weekend celebrating Jesus' birthday!
• We have not participated in the gift-giving part yet with either of our families, but we hope to this week.
• Aolani's seventh tooth (a sharp dagger) has broken through over the weekend.
• Here is our talented "Farfy" (my nickname for her) reading upside down! I can't do that! [She got her first real cut with blood and all last week playing too rough.]

• Here we are returning to our igloo after the Christmas Eve service.

• Pretty in purple in her Christmas dress:

• She got to open one of her presents from Grandma and Pawpaw Oliver.

She would not let go of the bag. We're just hoping that Jack the Rabbit stays attached, despite her violent attempts to behead him.

• There haven't been any videos lately because my camera has been down and out for awhile. But, I finally collected some of her recent tricks for you, including her wave and "Uh-oh."

• Verse to memorize this week: Colossians 4:6 ~ Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

Hissin' and Hawkin'

• We traveled by car to Greensboro over the weekend to visit my paternal grandparents. Warning: Allow almost twice the time when driving with a baby. This was Aolani's longest trip by car. She is not the greatest rider, as she does not like to sleep in her carseat and the carseat must be too confining for this very active wild child. I got my fill of screams, fusses, pouts, and cries. My grandma treated me to a massage and hairstyle at a spa on Saturday. Nice! It was a great visit :)
• We taught Aolani to hiss like a snake through her teeth!
• I wasn't going to mention this, but Ricky is making me. Idea: Aolani and I performed a wheelchair-dance for Ricky last week to Kenny G's Silent Night. We choreographed and practiced it earlier in the day when we were alone (to minimize embarrassment!). Aolani enjoys all the twists and turns on my lap. She giggles while we dance ;)
• Remember that tuft of hair growing on the back of her head?!

• Verse to memorize this week: Luke 9:23-5 ~ Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?

What A Deer!

• Welcome December and coats!

• Aolani has a wide gap between her front teeth! CUTIE!
• She went to the pediatrician last week -- healthy as can be. She measured in at 18.4 lbs and 27" long. The doctor suggested that we try rice cereal since the fruits and veggies were not going down. Well, the rice cereal didn't cut it either! Still choking and gagging. She's taking her time accepting solids, and that's okay by me.
• I have now finished memorizing the book of Philippians! Now, it's eternal heart food :) Still contemplating my next similar undertaking...
• Aolani's severe diaper rash from the blood in her stool on Thanksgiving Day has cleared up beautifully! We blended (by hand) a mixture of olive oil and arrowroot flour to make a paste for her bottom. It worked!
• I went to the doctor last week for... compacted ear wax! I know, sounds gross! Apparently, it's not abnormal and explains why my right ear felt blocked. [I could hear the ocean when I cupped my hand over the ear.] All better -- instantaneously!
• Ricky surprised us with a library book on baby sign language. She isn't signing back yet, but I still wish I had started implementing signs sooner.
• Aolani and I celebrated the decorating of the Christmas tree in our deer-garb:

• Verse to memorize this week: Philemon 1:8-9 ~ Therefore, although in Christ I could be bold and order you to do what you ought to do, yet I prefer to appeal to you on the basis of love.

Inconsistent with Myself

"God is not a belief to which you give your assent. God becomes a reality whom you know intimately, meet everyday, one whose strength becomes your strength, whose love, your love. Live this life of the presence of God long enough and when someone asks you, 'Do you believe there is a God?' you may find yourself answering, 'No, I do not believe there is a God. I know there is a God.'” ~ Ernest Boyer, Jr.

“My love of consistency with my own doctrinal views is not great enough to allow me knowingly to alter a single text of Scripture. I have great respect for orthodoxy, but my reverence for inspiration is far greater. I would sooner a hundred times over appear to be inconsistent with myself than be inconsistent with the word of God.” ~ Charles Spurgeon

Unbuttoning the Britches

• We are grateful that we got to spend Thanksgiving with both of our families.
• Bad news: On Thanksgiving Day, Aolani had a little blood in her poop. Nothing was wrong; we're pretty sure it's normal - either too much activity, strain, or excitement. Anyway, it gave her terrible diaper rash (when changing her, the pain brings tears to her eyes, and mine too). She's happy as a lark, though. Here she is "airing out" :)

• You can see her top teeth well here. [Yes, her belly is so big that we had to unsnap her jeans!]

• Aolani has a little tuft of hair in the back of her head. So, here is our attempt with a bow!

• Verse to memorize this week: Psalm 105:4 ~ Search for the Lord and for his strength; continually seek him.
  

A Go Get 'em Girl

• While she is still practicing, Aolani is learning to combine waving and saying, "Buh-Bye." It is so adorable to watch her hold her hand out straight and rotate her wrists slowly. She looks at her hand intently and pensively as she solves this huge mystery ;) Hopefully, I can record it.
• Her sixth tooth came last week.
• Solid food update: We offer her some very nonchalantly every now and then to no avail. Her gag reflex has not disappeared yet, so solids (no matter how liquidy) still make her choke and spit up. No worries though; she'll eat when she is ready :)
• "I need a bath buddy."

• My left foot is generally much better. The pain is still gone, and the foot naturally points outward to 11:30. Not perfectly straight but good enough!
• As Aolani's personality is revealed more each day, here are five adjectives we would use: aggressive (in the physical, violent sense), bright (cheery), loud (vocal), curious (active), and excitable. If you saw an isolated five minutes of her day, you would find her screaming, smiling, and clapping. She is a happy, extroverted baby -- not calm, quiet, or mild.
• Yesterday, she had a "playdate" with a boy who is about three months younger than her. Despite that, his head was bigger than hers, and he weighed more than her. No matter, this baby girl can hold her own. One time, she crawled up on him, put the strangle hold on him, bounced up and down, and screamed at him in excitement. Made him cry. "Get her off of me!" Not sure if we'll be invited back after that incident ;)

Practicing her stand

• Verse to memorize this week: Ephesians 5:20 ~ ...giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Just Guide Gently

Out of all the blog posts I have read thus far, this one is my favorite. It touches, in the conviction sense of the word, me far too deeply. I would just link to it or post my own thoughts about the matter, but I wanted her words exactly like she wrote them. Every time I try to elaborate, I end up butchering the words and skewing meanings. So, I gave up. The post below comes straight from Ann Voskamp's blog. If I had one blog to read, this would be it. This post hits me in my relationships with everyone. It hits me in the way I live, the way I speak, my ways... Everyone, this is a MUST-READ whether or not this is a struggle for you.

Rain streams in rivulets down the glass. The needle again begins to purr. I close my eyes, breathe deeply, and finger write those words on soul sand: “Just guide gently.”

Push and it will all pucker.

Don’t I know that too well. How many perfectly good days have I wrinkled because I pushed, arms heavy with an agenda? How many happy faces have I wrinkled into distress with pushing words: “Hurry up! We could have been finished this by now if you hadn’t dawdled here…” I don’t even want to consider how many bare, beating hearts I have crinkled and crumpled with my pushing for more...

Read the rest of this post here.

The Book Still Lives

“If this book [the Bible] had not been the book of God, men would have destroyed it long ago. Emperors and popes, kings and priests, princes and rulers have all tried their hand at it; they die and the book still lives.” ~ Dr. H. L. Hastings

"Drown your small suffering in the vast ocean of pain." ~ Richard Wurmbrand

Ready to Pounce

• Aolani got her fifth tooth last week. I think I'll stop counting soon ;) From stories I hear, she is not a bad teether at all. However, she is a biter, especially when she is nursing. And it's extremely painful. I let her hold my apple the other day, only to find that she broke through the skin with her teeth. Her smile is changing on me...
• As Aolani is constantly clapping now, she will even try to clap while she is crawling. This results in her lifting one arm and slapping her face -- funny!
• I need to record the cousins getting together. Here's what happens: Kylie comes in and Aolani screams with excitement FOR 10 MINUTES. Kylie does not know what to make of this welcome or Aolani for that matter, so she either a)runs away; b)stares at her from a distance; c)acts timid and clings to the grown-ups; or, d)ignores her.

Aolani is ready to pounce, and scared Kylie says, "Get her away from me!"

• What do I do for exercise? I try to ride a hand cycler 3-5x a week. I aim to lift my hand weights each week, but this is getting dangerous. And, Ricky stretches me every night for 10 mins.
• As it takes an hour to put Aolani to bed (the entire routine), we are currently aiming for 6:30-7:30pm, but it really does vary.
• Here is our princess in her purple kimono. She keeps growing, but alas her hair is shy in making its debut!

• Verse to memorize this week: Proverbs 16:25 ~ There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.

I Want Realness

I do this a lot. You probably do, too.

Preach. In my head. To myself - my singular audience.

After I finished one of sermons yesterday, I got off on a tangent. About what I really want for our family. Realness.

I don't want perfection. Perfect parents. Perfect kids. Perfect order. Perfect house. Perfect clothes. The "perfect look." I don't want to look like we have it all together because we don't. Besides, that is just a look anyway. The perfect family does not exist. Plus, the more you try to look like you have it all together, the more people pity you. Because everybody knows it is just an illusion. Not real.

Not for me. Give me what is real.

Real parents. Real children. Real freedom. Real mistakes. Real forgiveness. A real family in a real home where the real Jesus dwells. And we relish in real grace.

It doesn't help anyone when you are too busy trying to maintain that look of having it all together. People are too busy hurting. The only way to serve is to share of yourself, your mess. Then, healing will come and arise from the heap of ashes. Out of messy communion. And that is what I want.