Just Guide Gently

Out of all the blog posts I have read thus far, this one is my favorite. It touches, in the conviction sense of the word, me far too deeply. I would just link to it or post my own thoughts about the matter, but I wanted her words exactly like she wrote them. Every time I try to elaborate, I end up butchering the words and skewing meanings. So, I gave up. The post below comes straight from Ann Voskamp's blog. If I had one blog to read, this would be it. This post hits me in my relationships with everyone. It hits me in the way I live, the way I speak, my ways... Everyone, this is a MUST-READ whether or not this is a struggle for you.

Rain streams in rivulets down the glass. The needle again begins to purr. I close my eyes, breathe deeply, and finger write those words on soul sand: “Just guide gently.”

Push and it will all pucker.

Don’t I know that too well. How many perfectly good days have I wrinkled because I pushed, arms heavy with an agenda? How many happy faces have I wrinkled into distress with pushing words: “Hurry up! We could have been finished this by now if you hadn’t dawdled here…” I don’t even want to consider how many bare, beating hearts I have crinkled and crumpled with my pushing for more...

Read the rest of this post here.

Pushing...

...a baby out.

A few thoughts from Aidan:
I am definitely not a words person. Words of Affirmation is my LAST love language. I always did like the motto Actions speak louder than words. Therefore, I never really valued people telling me they believed in me, or any other nice common phrase (you know, like You are special.) However, I guess believing in someone must be an action, too, because I certainly felt it when someone did NOT believe in me (even though no one said, "I don't believe you can do it"). You see, with this disease (FA), I had no idea if I could seriously push a baby out. I mean I wanted to be able to, but ability and desire are not the same -- but might be a lot more closely related than even I realize.

I have good feeling "down there" but... I doubted myself. How could I not with the questions and comments I received from friends, family and strangers. Example: a good friend asked me if I was having a C-section -- EVERY TIME I SAW HER! I would tell her that I was aiming for a natural, vaginal delivery. She would look at me quizzically. I knew she was thinking Yeah, right but... or I don't want to be the one to burst your bubble but... But?? But you're in a wheelchair and can't walk. Obviously, people in wheelchairs aren't all paraplegics without vaginal feeling. The only people that thought I could do it were my doula and childbirth teacher (and of course my hubby). But I figured that I was paying them to say that and Ricky was obligated :) Most of the doctors I saw would give me the Aren't you being a bit ridiculous? look. Anyway, it's no wonder I had my share of doubts.

I have high pain tolerance and with the right preparation and knowledge, I thought I could endure the labor. Pushing the baby out? I had gotten to the point where I just didn't want to think about it. I'll deal with that when the time comes (actually, when Aolani comes). I was nervous -- maybe there was a little dread present also. When the time came to push, I didn't know what I was doing... bearing down... squeezing the biggest poop out EVER... listening to my body... following my instinct... GETTIN' THAT BABY OUT (my lingo)! Yet, when everyone there was shouting -- I see her head! She's coming! Look at her dark, curly hair! You're doing it! -- it was dizzying. I was first in disbelief, then relief flooded me, and finally I was exhilarated. I wanted to push again and keep pushing because whatever I was doing was working. I could do it! Yes, I can do all things through Christ who gives me the strength I need (Phil. 4:13)!!!

Bottom line: believe in someone, tell them, show it in your eyes, and... be an encourager, not a discourager :)


p.s. That was cathartic. Thanks to whoever reads this.

p.s.s. I don't intend to be harsh or insult anyone. I understand people's hesistancy to think that I could push a baby out. I was hesistant myself. Point was that people chose to stand on the physical-reality (scientific; let's be realistic) side versus believing in the impossible (or at least unlikely). Sounds like a faith check to me... remember that all things are possible with God (Matt. 19:26)!

Labor & Delivery

It was pretty near perfect, believe it or not!

We went to the OB/GYN the day before I delivered, and I was 5-6 cm dilated thus far. That was pretty awesome and something we attribute to the daily intake of red raspberry leaf tea and evening primrose oil. Of course, that somewhat alarmed the doctors. They wanted to suggest to me that I might be having silent labor (the kind where the woman doesn't know she is in labor until it's time to push!). I knew that wasn't the case for me as I had been feeling bearable, inconsistent contractions for a couple weeks. My doctor was kind enough to release me, even though anyone else would have admitted me to the hospital. She just gave me the warning to have a low pain-tolerance, meaning don't stay at home until I can't take it anymore because I can usually bear up under pain.

After the appointment that morning, I started to cramp and have bearable, consistent contractions all day. I went about my business, but my mom stayed home with me until Ricky came home. I had several bowel movements that evening and forewarned my doula that labor could be around the corner. Believing that to be a real possibility, I went ahead and popped in my movie-to-watch-before-real-labor-begins comedy: the 1970 version of the Out-of-Towners (nothing makes me laugh harder than this). Laughed, cried, ate dinner, slept.

3:15am. I went to the bathroom and had a snack (apple and cheese). The harder contractions started coming at 4am. At 5:30am we awoke my mom and called the doula to come over. I ate my pre-prepared meal around 6:30am (Mexican macaroni), and the doula arrived. Ricky checked my cervix at 7:15am, and we gathered that it was at least 7 cm. Off to the hospital. We got to the hospital and checked in by 8:15am.

Nurse: What do we have here?
Ricky: Well, I checked her cervix, and she's already 7 cm --
Nurse: YOU checked her cervix?? [in disbelief]

My doctor was there and even had a dream about me going into labor that night!

Ricky [to doctor]: I checked her cervix at home, and she's at least 7 cm already.
Doctor: Valiant effort. You know, we have an opening in the OB/GYN residency program next year.


By the time she checked my cervix for the first time, I was 8-9 cm :) We took a long, hot shower complete with the high-strung nurse intruding every 10 minutes to listen to baby's heartbeat! I did some squatting. The doula massaged me. Ricky read some Scripture verses to me. My mom's job was to keep my energy levels up with snacks and LOTS of water. Second cervical check: 9.5 cm. My water was still intact. I had told my doctor the day before that if I got to 9 cm with my water intact, she could break it. However, we wanted Aolani to move a little further down before I consented. And then...

I blew chunks. Everywhere. And we were not prepared for it ;) BUT, the strain pushed her tushy down some! So, I let the doctor break my water. Oh, and that's when the fun begins. The nonstop, unbearable, HARD contractions. The only way that I could stay on top of those was by closing my eyes, focusing my breathing, and moaning, deep and loud. Through every one. If someone distracted me, I would lose my focus and start to panic. Thankfully, that only happened a couple times.

That got me fully dilated and ready to go. I didn't have to wait long before I felt like pushing. And it wasn't long before they were shouting, "We can see her head crowning! She has a head full of dark, wavy hair!" I was in disbelief; it was working!!! After a few more good, hard pushes, she popped out and came straight to my chest. My mom was crying, the doula was rubbing me, and Ricky got to cut the cord. And me? I don't know the right word to describe it. All I could see was her, and all I could say (repeatedly) was, "My baby, my baby, my baby." I didn't know the time because we had taped a sign I made over the clock (it read: My body is strong and healthy and knows how to birth my baby). We purposely obscured the clock because watching how much time has passed or hasn't passed can be discouraging. The nurse, who was very not into natural things, said that my labor and delivery was the most "granola" birth she had ever seen!

Bottom line:

• Total labor: 9 hours
• Hospital labor: 5 hours
• Pushing: 30 minutes
• Left hospital 24 hours later
• Except for the rupture of my water, EVERYTHING went according to my birth plan!!
• All natural ;) No drugs, no medications. Would definitely do it naturally again! Preparation is THE key.
• Probably the toughest and most rewarding thing I've ever done.

The family of three is going home!

I know we have a lot of pictures to catch up on... a postpartum post is due too ;)